Simon says....

I'm not ashamed to say I am a fan of American Idol. It's great human drama, and fun to watch with my family as we each root for our favorite singers. The last winner, Lee, was my second choice. I will buy his CD but I would stand in line to buy Crystal's. Every year we cheer for some to make it to the next round and also cheer when an annoyance gets voted home. But every week of every year after every performance we wait on the edge of our seats to hear what Simon says.

Simon Cowell is a fascinating figure. He's purposefully mean to people who annoy, disappoint or disagree with him and is very pointed when someone falls short of his expectations. He takes shots at fellow judges, at the contestants, and even the musicians in the background at times. He is very hard on people in regard to their personal appearance - the camera always focuses on his expression when an unattractive or odd-looking person appears on stage. In fact, he is so caustic toward people that there is this sense of heart-warming awe that you experience when he has something good or supportive to say. I have the impression that the real-life Cowell is in fact the obnoxious, pretentious guy with a sense of entitlement that he appears to be on the show. Don't blame me. He's worked hard to earn that reputation.

Two of the most famous Simon Cowell moments didn't happen on Idol, but on Britain's Got Talent. When Susan Boyle and Paul Pott walked on stage, no one in the world thought they would move forward in the competition. They were two people in whom no one believed but themselves. Had Simon run into them on the street or encountered them at a sales counter at Macy's he'd have dismissed them outright, possibly with an unkind remark. But their lights shined so bright in their auditions that even Simon had to smile. He then signed them up and became even richer on the strength of their talents. When they stop selling CDs, he'll stop taking their calls. That's okay. It's not personal...it's business.

Who is your Simon? Who has that power over you? Who is that person on whom you depend, waiting for an occasional "well done" or pat on the back? Maybe you suffer the insults, hurts and derision only because you so enjoy those rare moments when he or she looks at you like Simon looked at Boyle and Pott - pleased and surprised that you didn't disappoint. They keep you around because you are useful to them and meet their needs. You stick around and try very hard to please them, seeking approval and acceptance, and never feeling really satisfied when you get it.

My Simon had a hold on me for a very long time. Even when I broke away I felt the pull, wondering if there were ways I could get back on the inside and be a confidant again...get welcomed back and resume my quest for approval. This is not a healthy way to live.

Having come to a place where I place my hope in my creator who wants me to live my life the way He made me, I look back on my Simon with a range of emotions from humor to anger. It's good to be free. Breaking away was a process not an event. But one thing is sure - it's good to be able to say I don't care at all about what Simon says.