Too

I am too.

Not as in also, but as in excessively. I'm too much or too little. It's not easy being too. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Too plump, too bald, too loud, too opinionated, too...you get the picture.

The other day a guy at work said I was too far to the right politically. He only said that because he's too far to the left. In my opinion, there are too many people that are too much in the middle. I mean, balance is fine, but at some point someone has to make a decision and do something, and that means taking a turn left or right. Oops, too political. So sorry.

I have a sixth sense, by the way. It kicks in when I'm out and about. In traffic, in malls, in restaurants. It's uncanny, really. It works like this: I can detect stupid people wherever they are. I discuss this with myself all the time. Too much, as a matter of fact. I really think I should let these people be. They can't help it. It's in their genes.

Some can't help driving too slow in the left lane. For others it's an inner impulse too strong to resist that makes them enter the check they just wrote into their registers at the checkout lane. If the math is too hard, they don't mind hauling out the mini calculator, either. And sometimes it's just too hard to decide which value meal to order while snaking through the line at Burger King. It's easier to do your thinking right their in front of the person taking your order.

I'm always too much in a hurry. I hate being late to anything, but I leave too late because there is always too much to do. I'm way too busy all the time. Why can't people understand that about me? Is it asking too much?

I really admire people who aren't too. But I know their dirty little secrets. These people have clean desks, balanced checkbooks, routinely changed oil and day planners with stuff written in them. They join health clubs and actually go there. They eat food grown in dirt in balance with food that walks on it. I see them from my little office at home at 5 a.m. while I'm sorting through piles of papers deciding in what order to procrastinate. They're out there running their dogs while pushing a jogging stroller...

Those people are going to live way, way too long.